The Vase, Part II
A quick glimpse of background facts. I Don’t want anyone making assumptions or jumping to false conclusions!
A reader recently assumed i was paranoid and discounted what i do have written in the vase as being fictional or exaggerated. To give the reader credit i have yet to further elaborate on my bold statements or claims which when viewed alone may give the false impression of someone who is paranoid.
One should never assume or jump to conclusions without all of the facts and speaking with the source to verify the truth. I will begin to reveal the backstory and only the facts pertaining to each claim. I will overview some factual events and briefly mention my mental health history. A high degree of self-awareness and insight played a crucial
role in maintaining my mental stability during episodes of clinical depression. I will later support my mental health diagnosis with statements or conclusions from my psychologists or doctor.
The Vase was written as a free-flowing creative expression of how i have endured tremendous suffering, abuse and some self-inflicted harm due to a couple of bad choices. I take full responsibility for a few mistakes and unwise decisions I made in my late 20’s. Up until my late 20’s I was a conscientious student working weekends in transport logistics & a supermarket while I studied for my psychology degree, doing volunteer work for The Councils Community Services Department.
In “the Vase” I intended to express and share with you the powerful transformation of my human spirit and my new found spirituality. My faith in a monotheist God is unbreakable, after surviving years of abuse and a near death experience.
I am writing this blog post as one of many aiming to set the record straight! – coming straight from the horses mouth!! Always go to the primary source, don’t waste your life being pulled into other peoples gossip mills or self serving bitter twisted versions of the actual events. My story will be all facts – no fiction!. I am not paranoid or psychiatrically impaired, although i am vigilant.
After taking out the Apprehended Violence Order on my ex-boyfriend I have lived the last 4 years with a real fear of retaliation because he is an aggressive narcissist and i defied his families advice/orders to withdraw the subpoena and not attend court which i legally couldn’t anyway (for many years i lived with a real fear or vigilance which could be misconstrued as paranoia. Although highly specific and only in regard to my ex).
So a quick overview of the facts:
1. I have experienced severe clinical depression and anxiety (specifically related to university – not personal relationships. An argument my ex’s barrister attempted to use in defense – my mental health issues had nothing to do with the abuse I have experienced! Period.).
During the psychotic phase of clinical depression I had the insight and self-awareness necessary to diagnose myself, seek mental health treatment and psychotherapy intervention.
I have had numerous relapses and paranoia was NEVER a symptom. I will list a general overview of my symptoms, some of which are not listed on the actual DSM-IV TR checklist: suicidal ideation (only- past tense now after finding God), diminished interest in all activities, loss of appetite, bouts of uncontrolled crying, immense sadness, insomnia, attention issues, memory loss, disengagement from social activities, unbearable isolation, muscle fatigue, apathy, dysfunction in all areas of my life (e.g. Uni, work, relationships, sleep), diminished motivation, lost confidence, indecisiveness, my mind clouded and thoughts slowed down, inability to exercise due to depression which made my body physically heavy and lethargic – to the point where any form of exercise felt laborious. It was hell. I would force myself to do activities although most of the time i could not overcome the thick, heavy fog suffocating my existence.
2. When i was physically assaulted by two different offenders i was not depressed nor did i have any drugs in my system.
The first assault was extremely traumatic i thought i was going to die. I passed out cold during the night and woke-up in the morning with a severe throbbing migraine headache, dizziness and lethargy. In retrospect i had experienced a significant brain injury and i needed a CT Scan.
My head was beaten up so badly i lost my ability to recall cognitive labels for common objects or places, for e.g. if i was telling a story about how i had to do banking due to the cognitive deficit from being bashed up all I could communicate was: “Yesterday i was half an hour late back to work because i had to urgently go into my…. you know that building where we go to withdraw money?…. (blank look)… you know in Sydney CBD near Wynard there’s the … ? building…. (eventually maybe a part of the cognitive label is recalled)” – this deficit, where I was unable to recall specific category labels, plagued me from 2007 until now.
Only in the last 12months has my ability to retrieve the relevant category or descriptive label for certain objects or places started to come back. When the assault happened back in 2007 I never went to a cognitive or neuropsychologist to run tests and determine my prognosis. While i am lucky some of what was literally knocked out of me has started to come back – i will never be the same. This has also impacted on my confidence with academic work.
3. The other physical assaults happened in two locations.
The first was in a hallway with no windows after i packed my suitcase to leave a boyfriends house due to fighting and his psychotic ranting. When i walked down the hallway to get my bag he crash tackled me like a football player, my head hit the ground hard and my body was winded as i collapsed onto the hard ground like a fell tree under his tremendous force and weight.
I was absolutely terrified because i had heard my ex had assaulted his ex before me punching her in the face. My ex practised martial arts and was passionate about “conditioning” aka hardening his bones and muscles to become a stronger fighter. My ex’s assault of his ex would have been a significant assault, knocking her hard against the wall (a full face punch), and until that night I had believed my ex’s lies – telling me his ex had fabricated everything! My ex had maintained his innocence and like a true sociopath lied to me telling me his ex was psycho, had psych issues, was unstable and became desperate when he told her he was leaving her so she made a false claim at the police station about him assaulting her.
As i lie on the ground pinned down beneath my ex’s solid build, my entire body was immobilised, i was shocked at how he could immobilise my entire body from my shoulders, torso, and limbs. I couldn’t even kick my feet or move my hands. He then proceeded to breath into my face one cm from my lips and loudly ranted at me with psychotic babble. In an authoritative controlling loud tone, animated and ranting over and over with his monologue about how we were meant to be together, blaming the wine i had with dinner for him holding me down, justifying his actions by attempting to argue he needed to control me as i was drunk. I was in control, yes tipsy but calm and just packing up my belongings so I could leave his apartment. I knew at this moment he had lied about his ex, he did assault his ex and he manipulated her to have the charges dropped.
At this point i didn’t fear he was going to kill me although sexual assault was on the cards with his weight on top of me and the way he was ranting about love and making it work while simultaneously reminding me how all of this was my fault. I later learned how he manipulated his ex to send him naked photos which he then used in court against her when her AVO charge was dismissed or thrown out by the magistrate – my ex was such a manipulative sociopath!
4. Another incident. I was held hostage in my apartment with an irate ex storming around, pushing me around, forcing me into the balcony rail, smashing my phone down when i tried to make a call, preventing me from going to the toilet to the point where i started to piss myself and he just kept forcefully hitting his muscular solid body into mine so i couldn’t move to go to the bathroom. No more details. This is my past. AVO charge, Police called. Gruelling court examination for an entire day.
5. Warned / threatened by the family that they would take care of my ex’s situation and that i should not go to court. The family sternly repeated their advice, clearly stating that i should not go to court on the day of my subpoena. I told them the family would not sufficiently deal with this situation. I asserted what happened with my ex was assault, unacceptable behaviour, explained how my ex had previously assaulted me, threatened me and furthermore he had assaulted his ex previously when nothing was done and the charges were dropped and i was now legally obligated to attend court. I just got one last look in the eyes from his … hammering in the point that I should leave it with the family…
I received phone calls from my ex’s friends trying to manipulate me to do a no show and disregard the subpoena. The day before court his friends were at my door buzzing, trying to negotiate over the intercom that i should leave it with the family and not attend court. so what did i do? I went to court.
I entered into a stage of my life with constant fear of going against the family coupled with the vindictive nature of an aggressive narcissistic ex boyfriend with psychotic and sociopathic tendencies. I had heard his stories before of how he “crushes” people with paperwork, cripples people via the “tax department” and his affiliation with bikie groups. After a year of verbal threats: “if you leave me i will take care of you, i know bad people”. He was always so self-assured that when he wants something done it gets done and if someone crosses him they ruin their lives in everyway possible. The reality was his sociopath tendencies allowed him to lie about the entire incident for both his ex girlfriend and myself, convincing his family that both his ex girlfriend and i were making false accusations. With the weight of the family behind him believing his lies i had no control over what may be unfolding. My ex was insecure and a loose cannon so dangerous while simultaneously trying to incite fear and control because he felt an incredible sense of inferiority and a compulsive need to outdo his friends (e.g. by buying the newest and most expensive model Audi on the market to overshadow his friends cars).
My ex was a classic Narcisistic personality type. I was so disgusted by the fact my ex desired the envy of his friends then would criticise his friends for being jealous of him – A typical narcissist. He was disturbed and sick in so many ways which i will not go into in this particular blog entry.
6. Trauma undisclosed. Disenfranchised grief due to inept medical professional denying my experience and accusing me of making up the event and also my inability to disclose actual details anyone. Three years later and i am still trying to recover.
7. Hit man / cleaner at hotel room door. Fact. After staying for one night i decided to extend my holiday and spontaneously booked a second night. On the second night i ordered room service, when finished i placed the tray outside. I contacted the kitchen staff for pickup and around 20 minutes later i heard who i thought sounded like a hotel staff member walk past (no conversation, just the sound of footsteps and motion), didn’t hear the tray itself being moved because i had music playing and the event didn’t seem salient or important at this moment in time.
30 minutes later there is a knock at the door.
Anon: “Room Service, I’m here to pick up the dinner tray”
me: walking from the bed towards the hallway i yell out “yes its right beside the door on the right hand side you can’t miss it”.
Anon: “Room Service, I’m here to pick up the dinner tray”
me: repeated “Yes i put the dinner tray beside the door can you see it there?” as i walked over to the door.
Anon: “Room Service, Open up, I’m here to pick up the dinner tray”
me: intuitively something was not right, he wasn’t answering my questions. I walked over to the peep hole and peered out to see a man wearing a head to toe white chemical protection suit with plastic covering his eyes. My heart jumped. I quickly moved down the hall while calmly talking to him to keep him at the door. “I put the tray outside earlier, can you see the tray near my door?” I picked up the hotel phone and contacted security while i dialled my friend on my mobile. Sitting behind the concrete wall around the corner away from the door if he had a gun i quietly informed security it was urgent and to come as there was a man trying to break into my room.
Anon: “Room Service, Open up, Im here to pick up the dinner tray”
I couldn’t believe how stupid he was repeating that same line over and over like a parrot.
me: “I called the kitchen around 45minutes ago and informed them it was outside. Can you see a tray anywhere near my door, it should be outside”
Anon: “Room Service, Open up, Im here to pick up the dinner tray”
Meanwhile i was talking to my friend on the phone who dismissed my situation as impossible. I kept talking to the man at the door until eventually i heard a click in a nearby adjacent hotel room or the fire exit as both were locating within the same sound distance from my hotel room. Security eventually arrived and said they saw nothing. Hotel kitchen staff confirmed that they had in fact picked up the dinner tray. No evidence. no proof.
In the early hours of the morning in a Kings Cross nightclub i met a man who know Sydney’s underworld and after listening to my story he confirmed that it definitely sounded like a professional “cleaner”. It was such a relief to be heard and validated by someone who understands that world. My uni friends just told me i should see a psychologist and asked me if i was on any medication at the moment – like i had a hallucination or delusion! Ive been through too much, experienced so much and travelled to the depths of human psychosis with insight to know when I’m having an episode! and the hotel incident was not a psychiatric episode.
A few months later a panel beater in NewCastle was gunned down in the street outside his workshop. When the police played a voice recording of the man who had been murdered it was the man who had been at my hotel door trying to get in when the dinner tray was already confirmed taken by hotel staff. I felt sick, it was definitely his voice, although i knew there was a margin of error and a few men who worked at the hotel may have a similar voice. Although most of the Sheratons hotel staff are indian or from dubai not anglo- Aussie 30 something year olds. I knew it was him. My ex lives in Newcastle and his parents live in Canberra/ Brighton le sands. The man who was gunned down prior to that night at my hotel won around $20 000 first place cash prize at a canberra car show. I wonder who organised the car show in Canberra and cash prize. I wonder if my ex knows or has any known associates who know the man who was killed in cold blood in NewCastle? Does my ex have any links to the man who was murdered? was it the same man at my hotel room door? I let go now and move forward with my life.
8. 5am. Sydney. Abduction attempt by 3 men of middle eastern appearance in a white van. Van empty with side door open and older Turkish or Lebanese man waiting next to the door (no no he wasn’t making a delivery of Turkish bread or kebabs at 5am from his van… ). My car was parked directly across the road from the van. One Lebanese man who looked like someone I knew was in the drivers seat. Another Lebanese man was on the lookout up the road, vigilant and anxious (I noticed him first as I walked to my car). We jumped in my car, locked the doors and drove away with adrenaline pumping through my body thinking “what if they have guns” no time to stop to get the number plate… I just got out of there. Luckily I unexpectedly took an English friend home in my car so they would have had to take collateral damage or a witness. Driver of the van looked like a Lebanese man I once knew. No police reports. No evidence. to be cont.
Photos: Monaco, France; Gold Coast, QLD (Jolliffe family pic); London; Sydney; Paris; Oscar in Bondi; Hawaii; Sydney (modelling shoot).