Plip Plop…

(an automatic unstructured free flowing expression – freedom from grammatical or poetic correctness!)

Tick tock…Tick tock… Another egg drops…

One by one… Plip plop.. They drop… My eggs!
Oh my eggs!
Watch how they drop…
Crack one open… Plip plop… Plip plop…
Til every last egg… Has dropped… Plip plop…
Til the last yolk has dried up.
My womb becomes a hollow shell, dry like a creek bed made barren by drought, now a deserted wasteland. Nothing but emptiness…

My dream of motherhood,
But a distant memory,
A glimmer – a speck of light cast out from the evening star.
The moon hangs from the sky like a flag drawn at half mast,
Beneath the southern cross,
The dusk of forfeited hopes,
Forgotten dreams,
Enveloped by the opacity of clouds drawn out into ribbons,
Streams of misty passive acceptance – smothered by ambivalence – suffocated my resistance.
Nothing to see now,
Only shadows,
Illusions of what is,
Delusions of what might have been,
Conclusions of others,
The final word,
We all have choices!.

Thunder cracks open the sky,
The deafening roar of a high rise building imploding under explosive force,
Blown into oblivion by the people’s dynamite,
Crashing down tonnes of steel, Crushing through cement boxes,
Now a mountain of rubble.
Bricks and mortar,
The Australian dream on a collision course with the cities streets.
The fallout dust like a smokescreen,
As the last particle settles upon shattered glass shards,
Fragments from an old shop front window,
One of numerous shop-fronts.
The air crystal clear,
Saturated by an infinite blue sky,
Transparent horizons stretch out forever,
Like strained elastic bands,
An endless azure tinted melancholy,
Snaps.
Perfectly orchestrated.

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I have reached an age where I realize there is a real possibility I may not be able to naturally conceive children. When the thought of never having children hit me I was overcome by immense grief and loss. I experienced a form of histrionic, acted out grief where I allowed myself to psychologically process the prospect of loss. I have always wanted children and the thought of a human life without children seemed to me like a vacuous existence.

My unbreakable faith in God has allowed me to see my situation from another perspective…

I have faith that my life is in Gods hands. I know that if for whatever reason I can not have my own biological children that my deep seated desire and need to have children will become a driving force of positive energy which I can redirect into: adopting children, co-parenting situations, foster children or opening an orphanage. I know I will have children in my life one day – it just may not be how I originally planned! 🙂